Trauma and Burnout in the Pastor’s Wife

Pastors’ wives can, and often do, experience trauma and burnout.

This is one of the biggest “ah-ha” moments I witness in my work as a coach and therapist. While this isn’t an exhaustive list, I hope it helps you begin to identify what might be going on inside of you—especially if any of these symptoms feel familiar.

Please note: If you recognize yourself in any of these, it’s important to reach out for help. Connect with a safe friend (which can be hard to find in ministry!), or reach out to me or another mental health professional for support.

Symptom #5 – Compassion Fatigue

According to Stress.org, compassion fatigue is “the emotional residue or strain of exposure to working with those suffering from the consequences of traumatic events. It differs from burnout, but can co-exist.”

As a pastor’s wife, this can look like the inability to care for and connect with others as you once did. You may feel emotionally numb, irritable, or overly critical. You might notice yourself thinking:

• “It must be nice to just skip church whenever you feel like it.”

• “Why can’t they just get it together?”

• “They’re never going to change.”

These harsh judgments are often signs of deeper internal wounds that need healing—so you can see others again through the eyes of Christ, not through the lens of your own exhaustion.

Symptom #4 – Rising Anxiety

The phone rings. Your heart races. With a difficult board meeting coming up, your mind instantly spins with worry: What now? What will they say about me or my husband this time? The firestorm of past criticism replays—before you even see who’s calling.

Or maybe it’s Friday, and instead of enjoying the weekend ahead, you're filled with dread—because Sunday is coming. Again. Will Sherry complain about the nursery worker (again)? Will Larry pull your husband aside before service (again)? Will your kids melt down in the middle of worship—if you even get everyone there on time?

Sometimes, it’s subtler. You wake up with a tight chest, a churning stomach, or a sense of unease that you can’t explain. Maybe your heart races for no reason, or you struggle to breathe deeply.

Symptom #3 – Depression and Isolation

When the demands of ministry have worn you down for too long, shutdown can follow. Where you used to say “yes” to women’s events, now you say “no”—because the idea of being around people feels too overwhelming.

Maybe you send a friendly text instead of following up with a visitor. Or maybe… you do nothing at all.

What once felt like connection now feels like too much. Avoidance becomes your coping mechanism.

Symptom #2 – Indulgence and Escapism

Addiction isn’t always obvious. While it’s easier to spot the more taboo behaviors—like alcohol or sexual addiction—many women in ministry begin to lean on more “socially acceptable” escapes.

• You used to eat chocolate once a week. Now you’re sneaking it from the cupboard daily.

• You loved to read. Now you’re ignoring responsibilities to read entire books in one sitting.

• You enjoy shopping. Now the Amazon orders are piling up—each one justifiable, of course.

These indulgences may signal deeper emotional needs being unmet. Don’t dismiss them too quickly.

Symptom #1 – Disconnection from God

When trauma takes hold, our natural reaction is to disconnect—from others, and even from God. While we believe in His love, grace, and power, we often live as though we’re powerless in our trauma responses.

Shame creeps in. And although you long to return to your “first love,” you feel stuck. You begin to carry self-contempt like a too-small raincoat—tight and uncomfortable, but strangely familiar—trying to protect yourself from the storm inside.

You Are Not Without Hope

If these symptoms sound familiar, take a deep breath. It’s okay. These are signs that your body and heart are saying, “Enough.”

There are very real needs you’ve likely been pushing aside for too long.

Think of these signs like a check engine light on your car’s dashboard. When the red light comes on, you don’t shame yourself for owning a car that needs maintenance—you take it to the shop. Your heart and body need that same care.

This could be your invitation to slow down and seek help.

If you’re not sure where to start, I invite you to set up a free 30-minute call. There’s no sales pitch—just a space for you to share, breathe, pray, and find clarity for what kind of support you may need next.

You don’t have to walk through this alone.

~ Because hope, healing, and joy are possible! ~